Confronting Bullying

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Strategies to Stand Strong and End the Cycle.

So bullying. It just never f**** off does it? It’s as old as time. As old as the first instance of a human being suffering trauma.

And as a parent, you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Since starting my RTT practice, I have had many clients who go back to a scene where they have been the victim of bullying. And often times, their parents did eventually make attempts to deal with this through the school, but if anything, the level of bullying then often increased.

So what do you do? Well, first, if there is physical violence involved and the school or workplace does nothing, and there is a genuine sense of danger, you talk to the police. That is my opinion. Because if there is physical violence involved, then you don’t have to put up with that. It’s a crime.

But if it’s your typical bully who is using their mouth to send out vicious barbs, then there are things you can do to turn the tide. And actually have their gang of hangers-on start looking at the bully in a different way. And once they do that, and that bully loses their support, then usually there is a fairly fast turnaround in a positive or neutralising direction.

So, I have spoken about this before and outlined the steps we were told about as part of our RTT training. This is how best for you or your child to stand up to a bully and redirect the narrative.

When something is said to you, the first thing you do is say…

‘I’m sorry. I didn’t quite catch that. Would you like to repeat it?’

This works because many people will freely say something vindictive once. But if they are asked to repeat it a second time, then their mind has a chance to kick in and think, ‘Sh**. Can I really back that up. What happens when I repeat it? Who is going to look worse? Me or them?’ Especially, if they have their gang or sidekicks with them. Because this could go either way, and their mind knows that. If it is someone who is usually ok with you, but just having a bad day, they will often retreat from their words, or take back the words instantly. And it’s important to remember that even your family members insulting your appearance, or people that claim it’s ‘just a bit of harmless banter’, it’s not. It’s bullying. Stamp it out.

If they do choose to repeat it…

‘OK. That’s really interesting to hear. But I think you saying that says more about you than it does about me.’

The bully is now thinking, ‘sh**, what does it say about me? What are people now thinking about me because of what I just said? And their mind is scrambling to think of a way to extract themselves. And they can either retreat or press ahead. Neither is a great option.

So if they persist…

‘OK. You’re free to think and say that about me. But that’s not who I am. So I’m not going to let that in.’

You have now immediately robbed the bully of any victory, and you can walk away. Because what can they say to that?

They can keep talking in this scenario, but to a dead space, because you’ve already said you’re not going to let anything they say into your headspace. So what’s the point? And if they keep going, and you’re walking away with your head held high, then anything they do or say just makes them look weak.

And the thing is, even if jeers follow behind your back. They will think twice about trying that with you again because they now know that you will be putting the mind whammy on them! And there’s no great way to extract yourself from that. Without looking like exactly what they are. A hurt, weak, disempowered, probably neglected child. Or an adult that is still carrying around all of that baggage with them.

Stop It In Its Tracks!

So, what else can I use?

‘I am really sorry you feel the need to treat me this way. You must be a really hurt person. So I feel sorry for you.’

And whoa… Because if this is a group with a ringleader? Straight away, the leader has been struck down at the knees. Because everyone is now looking at them with new eyes. They will be looking for their weakness. It will make those around them think, ‘why do they do this bullying? And why am I joining in with it? Is that how I want to be perceived by my peers? What will someone be thinking about me if I continue to hang around with this person?’

And you will be doing the bully a favour. Because a bully truly is a hurt person. There will be something happening at home that is driving this behaviour. And turning themselves into a bully at school is doing nothing for their future prospects.

Because, sadly, some teenage bullies remain teenage bullies for the rest of their lives. They will go through their lives telling themselves that they don’t care what anyone thinks of them. They don’t give a sh**. They are going to do what they want to do and say what they want to say. And they will think they have friends. But those friends are just people who are intimidated by them. They have no love for them. And when one day the bully is in dire straits, when there is that first sign of the bully’s blood in the water, they will melt away, knowing that the bully is no longer a threat to them. That they have finally done something bad enough that is going to make them disappear. And they will be so relieved. So that is not someone who is your friend. It’s somebody who is afraid of you and relieved when you’ve been neutralised.

And the people with bullying tendencies, who say they don’t give two sh*** what people think about them?

They are the people who actually give all the sh***!!!

They are crying out for someone to notice their behaviour and say, ‘Hey. I hear you. What’s the pain you’ve got behind this behaviour? I see you. And I am listening.’

What they really want someone to do is sit down with them. Spend time with them. But they don’t know how to ask for that. Because they think opening up will make them look weak. So they keep living in pain. And trying to offload that pain onto other people. And eventually, not only will they have self-esteem issues, but as time goes on, they will be wracked with guilt over their conduct and descend into a mire of unresolved dreams, goals, aspirations. And many will fall prey to addiction.

Let’s get kids pulling together.

Recognising that the best way to get through your school days is together!

That’s why it’s so important that bullying is tackled, to help the victim, and to help the bully. Because both need immediate help. Because the victims are the ones with the real power. They are usually the ones with the best life prospects.

Most victims of bullying have something about them that has made them stand out. They are special in some way. They have something enviable. One client of mine was a talented performer from a young age. And he was singled out at high school for having co-created a successful jingle, at 14 years old, that had amassed 1000 views and counting on YouTube.

This was for a business where he was working a part-time job. So it was actually an amazing success for the business concerned.

And for that, he was mocked and picked apart on his way into class. And like all these situations, even the people he thought he was on good terms with drifted toward the bully and joined in at that moment. Typical teenage behaviour. Which made him then question whether he could even tell if he had any true friends. Leading eventually to social anxiety patterns.

But if he had just known a technique like the one just outlined. If he had that ammunition. He could have said something along the lines of…

‘I’m sorry you think creating a song that got a thousand views on YouTube was somehow a failure on my part. You may need a bit of help with your perception. Because I’m pretty damn proud of myself and what I created. So let’s agree to disagree on that.’

And since he’s had RTT, that’s what he will be doing in the future!

We need to work with these bullies.

To stop them making victims out of the kids that have all these fantastic talents or beautiful eccentricities, but also to help the bully heal, to find out what’s hurting them, to give them the ability to move forward in a different fashion.

To say to them. ‘Look, I need you to know it’s going to be ok. Whatever is happening at home right now. It’s not forever. You will get out. Eventually, you will be safe. How can we best support you right now to get you enjoying as much as possible in your life?’

Part of our RTT training outlined ways in which we could go into schools and make presentations, not just on bullying, but on making kids feel worthwhile. On helping children to open up and connect with each other. To let them know it’s ok to be a little vulnerable, that everyone has the same fears, and the more we talk about these things together, the more connected we feel, and the more supported we are.

There are even a couple of little interactive demos we can do such as the ladder of looping thoughts, the shiny diamond of potential, and giving children the forbidden opportunity to mess up a £20 note, splattering it with ketchup, mustard, and coffee and such, stamping on it, having a bit of fun with it, and then showing them a brand new £20 note and asking them, ‘which has more value?’

And of course the answer is they are both the same.

You might even argue that the messed up note held more value because it had had a life! It had been through some stuff and survived. And kids love this kind of thing. They love things that get them thinking. Kids don’t really want to be a bully. They want to fit in. And some of them are so hurt that they think bullying is the only way they can fit in. By making others feel less than them. By gathering a gang of easily led kids and wearing them like armour.

People used to say that your schooldays were the best days of your life. But actually, schooldays are really f***ing hard for most kids.

And if you’re are an adult, and you’re currently dealing with a bully, whether it be work or otherwise, use these tactics and let me know what happens.

It’s never too late to convince a bully that they don’t have to act that way to get results! Or to take a stand and shock someone!

And if you are a school in the area of the Scottish Highlands, I would love to have a chat with you about what I can do to help you address bullying within your campus. Because even the really tough and hardened kids respond to these measures. When you acknowledge that their unhappiness is what’s driving the problem, and you make a decision to work with them with empathy.

And hypnosis is really fun and engaging. Holding a session like this for a group can be a very bonding experience. Kids love it!

If you are suffering with the long-term implications of having experienced bullying, book your free discovery call now!

There is always a way to sort these things out and leave those tough schooldays behind you for good. - Love A-M x

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About Me

Hello, I’m Anne-Marie. I am a RTT Practitioner, Romance Author, Championship Dog Show Judge.

I have a lot going on! But my primary focus is helping people achieve their personal and professional goals, whatever they may be. If you’re struggling, I am the kind of person you want in your corner.

Click here to book your free discovery call now

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