Why getting less nice is progress.

I have an interesting concept for you in this post. Something pretty intriguing and potentially a challenging idea for some.

And it’s this; that in healing from your past, you may have to give yourself permission to be ‘not as nice a person.’ And certainly not as tolerant. And do you know what? That is brilliant.

I have a couple of examples for you. And both are since I had RTT.

Just after my mum died, I was briefly back in touch with one of my relatives after a considerable spell.

Now when we were young, it was common practice for the relatives in this particular branch of the family, and I, or my sister, to meet up in town; to get the bus and meet them in front of Marks and Spencer in Leeds. And almost without fail, every time, that side of the family would be late. It was almost a sort of running joke. And sometimes it was a fair old wait.

On one memorable occasion, two of these relatives were due to go on holiday with my sister, and they almost missed the plane. They were running so far behind! But they had taken the time to make sure they had eaten pre-flight bacon butties! So it did used to be very annoying, and you sort of put up with it, because you were good, well-mannered, patient, stoic kids. They wouldn’t have understood it if you challenged them anyway, I don’t think!

All Dressed Up and Nowhere to Go!

So when mum died, I had a few conversations with one of these people, the nearest in age to me, and eventually we agreed to go out for lunch. Well, on the day this was due, I am sat there, made up, dressed up, ready to go out. And I waited. And I waited. She was due to come to the house.

Picture of neon lights stating waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting.

I think it was more than an hour before a text message came. And then another hour passed with nothing further. And so I texted not to bother setting off. I was just not willing to be treated that way. It had started as a lunch arrangement, and by 3pm she still wasn’t there. And then she messaged in response to say she was just setting off.

Forget about it! Do you think I still felt like lunch anymore? Do you think I felt like sharing with her what I was feeling? No, of course not. She wasted my day and made me feel rubbish. And also a bit daft for not seeing it coming.

And the story was that early in the morning the shower had broken, so she had to get to her mum’s to have a shower, and then her husband wasn’t home from work on time. And so on and so on. A really extensive story that was more about her dramatic life and hectic schedule, than an apology for wasting my time.

But you see, I’d heard it all before. And if that were me, I’d have taken a cold shower or a quick wash in the sink and I would have stuck to the arrangement. Because things like that mean something to me. I would have made it happen. Especially given I had just lost my mum. And I knew she would have been having a leisurely time at her mum’s, in no rush, no real concern about my end. Just taking her time. She would have wanted to show up looking perfect, looking important, ready to be the one on the inside track of my mum dying.

Me? Wait for you again? No!

Mañana, as they say. An indefinite time in the future, I will choose to arrive. And you will be expected to just wait and be perfectly fine with me whenever I materialise.

Well, hello, mate. No! I don’t do that anymore. And I allowed myself to let that relationship slip back into the ether. Because really, it was never going to be healthy for me. It was just a weird trip back to the past and reliving the old sensations. And a bit sad too that she was still stuck in the same modus operandi.

And again just recently. A person I know. Several times I put up with plans changing because something cropped up her end. Or she asked me to do or be somewhere, or arrange something for her, and the moment I was invested in that, she changed her mind again. Or she occasionally emailed me about something, I sent an answer requiring a response, and then heard nothing. Or something, or someone, cropped up that was harder to dismiss than me. Or you only got half a tale on something and was then left hanging. So wishing they hadn’t bothered telling you at all.

You know the kind of thing. It’s like having someone continually invite you into their life and then proceed to toy with you or exclude you. And not necessarily meaning to hurt you. But just not treating your time and your emotions, respectfully.

Children's seesaw in woodland — **Some relationships feel like being on a seesaw.**

But staying on is a choice.

Because I am mostly ‘nice’ and ‘accommodating’, it’s easy for people to think they don’t need to worry about letting me down.

And whenever we went out, I was doing my best to do something meaningful for her, which meant when it came to movies etc, I was never seeing what appealed to me. I know she probably did not realise, but everything was about her and her needs. If I asked for help with something, it didn’t happen. She was so much in her own head and her own issues that she didn’t see that anybody else could have feelings and needs. Everybody else’s life is fine except hers is what she feels.

And eventually I’m smart enough to ask myself, what am I in this for? What is it doing for me? Do I need this? Do I need to feel like I’m dangling on the end of someone else’s string? And of course the answer is no. Not particularly. It’s not a lot of fun. It’s frustrating and tiring and it messes with your mood. Any friendship or relationship needs to be in balance. It can’t be one person always giving or always losing out or always being let down. Because that leads to resentment and misery. And it festers.

With regard to my relative. When people are habitually late like that, it usually means they have a subconscious need for attention. To have someone to be waiting for them. It elevates their sense of importance. Because in their childhood, they probably didn’t feel like they were ever a priority. They felt they weren’t considered important enough for somebody to drop everything for them, so they learned to force that situation. To find somebody who has no choice, or so they think, but to wait for them over and over again. It’s another instance of unmet childhood needs. And her mum does seem to have everybody wait on her in all things. So there is somewhat of a learned pattern too.

I know that her childhood will not have been easy at all, and that subconsciously she has learned to elevate herself in any way she can. But she doesn’t get to feel powerful by taking advantage of me.

And Though She Be But Little, She Is Fierce!

So why am I content to know that I am probably not as ‘nice’ a person?

When you have RTT, and you get strong, you will have to accept that you are not going to be the same meek, willing, long-suffering, quiet, timid, people-pleasing, ever-accepting, never-objecting, person.

Women in red yoga outfit bending over backwards in the desert, one leg raised — ***No more bending over backwards to spite yourself!***

You’re just not. Because you will see that it is not ok for you to be just continually taking these things on the chin. You are going to want and need more from people. You’re going to want to protect your time and your energy. And you will be able to tell people when they are not doing right by you. You will be moderately flexible, but no longer all the way flexible, if you see what I mean!

So this recent friendship situation, I just had to be quite clear about how this made me feel, and that meant having to risk saying something that would have felt sharp to her.

This most recent event with this particular person, I asked myself, was I being a bit petulant? Should I just shift to another day, yet again? Part of the problem being, she just seems to forget all the other occasions something similar happened. Much like my relative. So you never get any satisfaction from the relationship. Or a straight answer about why they do this. They don’t see themselves doing anything amiss.

So in a mild way, it can feel like being gaslighted. So it’s best to withdraw, withdraw, withdraw; let them get on with their own lives in their own way. Look after you. And allow the people who want to make time for you to come to you. When you ask for more, you get more.

So, in life, sometimes you really just have to be the meanie. And to know that a more accurate word for that is having boundaries about the way you expect to be treated. And that it is a part of taking your power back.

People sometimes just can’t be what you need. They’re not there yet.

And, unfortunately, sometimes people won’t ever know how to be what you need. That sometimes, subconsciously or not, they are making you a part of their power play or their internal battle. Because if somebody’s actions are messing with your mood. And especially when it is them that came to you, invited themselves into your moment, and then messed with your life. Believe me, you are perfectly within your rights to say I need to be treated better.

Just say, ‘You did this… And that made me feel.. And it also made me feel… because…’

Get it all out and relish doing it. And once you’ve said your piece, you can walk away if that feels right; with a light heart, because being honest to yourself matters.

And that is what RTT does for you. I bang on about it, but it gives you your voice. It stops you from being trampled under somebody’s foot. Because it is better to be on your own and have peace than it is to have a relationship or friendship that ends up making you feel a bit shit, casts a pall over your day, or even worse, leaves you feeling like a pawn in some neverending game.

It’s better to be not so nice, and to just be true to you. People will find this hard at first. But you will feel much better. And you will be proud of yourself too. Your life will be happier overall because you will have self-respect.

Find out how to be not so nice!

Anne-Meanie-Marie xx

About Me

Hello, I’m Anne-Marie. I am a RTT Practitioner, Romance Author, Championship Dog Show Judge.

I have a lot going on! But my primary focus is helping people achieve their personal and professional goals, whatever they may be. If you’re struggling, I am the kind of person you want in your corner.

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No More Miss Nice Girl