What is an example of subtle trauma?

We all have our triggers. The things we don’t cope with all that well. And sometimes we can make sense of these on our own, and sometimes not. But the best thing about it is to be kind to yourself through the process and curious about what is driving it.

One of the hardest things I find is to have people in my house doing work for me. As you might know, I moved to the Scottish Highlands in September 2022, and when I got here, the home report I read did not match the reality on entry.

But I was lucky in that I found a plumber to do a quick fix on the broken shower, so I could have a wash at least; albeit in a mouldy, corroded stall.

I wasn’t so fortunate trying to get hold of him a second time, a common enough experience up here, I am told. A handyman turned up the other day out of the blue, that I had asked for help 3 months ago. But I was fortunate that in the meantime I had already found Chris, who has a variety of skills he can tackle. But even with a good workman, I find it all sooo mentally hard!

Everywhere needed decorating; new bathroom, new flooring all throughout (that element I have to survive yet!). And for me, I think it boils down to control. Having to hand over control to other people and not being able to control what they do. Or trust whether they will have similar standards of workmanship to what I expect. Or whether they will damage one thing in the act of repairing another, which just seems par for the course in my experience.

That is a biggie, expecting other people to think and act like you do. Because they are not you, and they don’t, and you can’t make them. And if you allow it to bother you, it will goddamn torture you!

My feeling is if I am paying for something new, I expect it to look new, pristine, like no-one has used it before me or come along and dropped a hammer on it. That is what I am paying for, right? Does that ever happen? Am I unrealistic to expect it to be so? It didn’t happen when I lived in West Yorkshire and had a new kitchen fitted.

Is it ok for me to have expectations?

When I raised concerns back then, personal information I had confided in the saleswoman (who my mum had somewhat of a relationship with) was used against me. I had to stand in my new kitchen and suffer a personal attack, along the lines of I was delusional. Despite the fact there were numerous chips and dents and things patched with sticky, roughly applied silicon to hide more holes; this stuff was already embedded with gathering dirt.

It was suggested that once things were in the cupboard, I wouldn’t see that. On the hinge of the door you open? Not, IMHO, what you think of as new. Not even second-hand.

The experience was deeply humiliating and confusing. Facing off a saleswoman and 2 disgruntled male fitters, whose work I was questioning. While she stood there and insulted me using my personally confided information.

I wasn’t quite so far into my own healing at that point. And I know I have a keen eye, too keen for my own peace of mind sometimes. I can spot a lot of mistakes. I was very good at finding them in myself for a long time. But that doesn’t make me any less right about workmanship.

Just because someone has authority, does not make them right!

And the conveyancer who handled contracts on this property. You would swear he wasn’t working for me. He made references on several occasions, when talking about my money and what the damage had cost me, as small amounts. This was when it was reaching seven hundred unexpected pounds of outlay. He even yelled at me once down the phone when I pointed out some missing enclosures within the documents.

Looking back on it now, I can see he has a problem with women, and definitely some kind of hang-up around money.

He actually held onto £350 for months that the vendor repaid and didn’t tell me he had it. It wasn’t mentioned until I chased up the title deed. Then when I expressed my concern about him holding onto funds, again, it was such a ‘small amount of money’ that it was not put into an interest-bearing account.

And I am in the wrong for stating he made a gross error not notifying me? Gaslighting 101 alert!

Unmet Needs

I can look at all these incidents now and know I am in the right, that my expectations were not met.

And some of this confusion about what I can and should have a right to expect will stem from childhood expectations that went unmet. We all have some kind of unmet need that happened in childhood.

Vocalising my needs and expectations is still quite a new thing to me. I wasn’t brought up to ask for what I needed. I had to cope with a lot that was not ideal for me, and I don’t want to cope anymore. I want it right. Or as good as.

Things have happened here too in the process. Newly laid (is that the right term) wallpaper has been splashed with paint from a ceiling touch-up, the bathroom suite has missing parts that the seller does not want to honour. I asked two workmen to confer so that both parties knew what they were doing, and that they had everything they needed, and that didn’t happen. At times I have said to them, if I wanted to put up with something, I wouldn’t have bothered paying for new and having this upset.

Image shows patterned wallpaper with two framed scottie dog art prints — The lovely unsplashed wallpaper in my office!

And there is a little of the ‘little woman’ aspect to it too. A tendency for people to laugh off valid concerns when you are a single female.

The splashed wallpaper actually managed to survive my notice for the best part of a month; until one day I happened to be doing yoga on my back on the floor and thought, ‘what the f is that?’

Feelings: Be Aware of them, Accept them, and Articulate them.

All of this and coping with it daily, tends to make my self-care do a nosedive! And the cleaning up after they are gone! You sort of gloss over that in your mind when you think of a new kitchen, or new bathroom. You forget that it will look like a bastard bombsite, not a showroom when it is finished. And that all the muck will have transferred to your other rooms too!

And I am trying to clean and not look too closely in case I find something wrong! Because I really don’t want to find something wrong. Halfway through the bathroom suite, I really strongly considered just keeping the old sink and toilet, as I couldn’t face any more strife; just get on and sell the new parts. I have just been to the toilet amid editing this post, and I am sure there is a piece missing off the end of the bathroom tap!

I am also such a nomad that I could easily start thinking, ‘oh just sell this house and not have to live with it!’

I am so glad at the end of the day to just have the place to myself again and lick the day’s wounds. What I do try to do now is to analyse what I am thinking, and where it is coming from. Because I know I come from a long line of people who are good at catastrophising things. My bloodline tends to look to the negative first. I would love to be one of those people who are naturally laid back! But I was raised to be cautious, hesitant, and expect the worst. And that can be tough to eradicate. But you can manage it much better.

Picture of office space with patterned wallpaper and a desk. — More office space in progress!

Question what is driving the feelings.

So I often have to go through the sick and dread first, in much shorter bursts, before reaching resolution, and eventually I do achieve a sense of peace, or I bung a picture on a patch of wall that is bothering me! As Marisa Peer would say, I feel the fear and do it to myself anyway (I have slightly butchered that phrase to suit my needs here).

What is important is that I am aware of my feelings, I accept my feelings as legitimate, and I articulate my feelings to those who need to hear it. Even if it feels uncomfortable. So at the very least, I know I did my best to effect the outcome I wanted. Because if you keep that shit in, you will 100% feel worse.

The rest is on other people and whether they are willing to step up their game.

What is important to remember is that even those things that really bother you, if there is nothing that can be realistically done to correct them, once they become familiar, they no longer serve to bother you. As human beings, we can cope with a lot. And live with a lot. So don’t get too hung up on your decorating. It’s a first world problem and people out there are dealing with real issues. Just press for the best you can.

But that is how subtle trauma can be. These small nicks & cuts we pick up that whittle away at us. And we need to get better at cauterising them fast. And why it’s good to be kind to yourself when you’re in the thick of it. You support you, even when no-one else seems to be. You can be your own rock if you have no-one else.

I am sure you have your own things that you really hate or dread. Maybe a mystery surrounding a normal life occurrence (like decorating) that somehow really trips a switch with you. Or something blatantly triggering, to the point you avoid encountering it, and that thing is messing with enjoyment of your day-to-day life.

If you feel like sharing them, or that you want some better coping mechanisms, get in touch. As always, I would love to hear from you.

RTT can and does help!

About Me

Hello, I’m Anne-Marie. I am a RTT Practitioner, Romance Author, Championship Dog Show Judge.

I have a lot going on! But my primary focus is helping people achieve their personal and professional goals, whatever they may be. If you’re struggling, I am the kind of person you want in your corner.

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What is Subtle Trauma?